Friday, December 9, 2016

Anger Management...

Y'know, there are just sometimes when blogging is the only way to work out what's going on inside. Oh, that plus professional counseling, calling a good friend, prayer...A friend of mine told me when I first started blogging, "[Blogging] is like a journal...but it's on the web for everyone to read." Sometimes, like today, that is very true.

So, here I go. Today I'm wondering about anger management, my issues with anger and if it has roots in adoption. Hubby and I went out for coffee a while ago. Let's just say that I think his Americano coffee was a lot smoother than our talk. It's just like that sometimes. He and I approach things differently which can lead to friction and tension on occasion. No big deal - because it never stays that way. And, in the end, I think we are both better for it. So one thing that stuck with me in our conversation was that he said, "You seem angry." I told him no, but he cited some recent interactions with him and my immediate family that proved his point.

Huh. I thought it was just the opinionated Philly girl in me - but I didn't think it was anger.

Yet his comment still rattled around in my brain. So here I am, contemplating what might be the root of my anger? Might it have roots in my adoption development? Do I have Attachment Disorder? How would I know?

Let me state at this point: my anger usually comes out in raising my voice...that's about it. I wouldn't want you to think that I'm punching through walls or anything! And it usually happens when I feel hurt or when I can't control a situation or circumstance. That much I know. And I have read about so many psychological, emotional and developmental issues in adoption that it does not surprise me that anger is a part of my character as a result of adoption trauma. Yes, trauma. Nancy Verrier taught me that a long time ago. But the reason I'm even thinking about the "why" of my anger is because I want to understand "who" it is I am and "who" I want to be.

This is where my faith steps in. I'm a Christian. And I do not want my anger to hurt anyone around me. I'm trying to live a life of love, compassion, empathy. Conversely, anger only breeds fear, pain.

I don't have any definitive answers yet...but I'm working on it! I would love to hear your thoughts, dear readers.