Growing up in a family

I just read an interesting blog post, originally posted on July 21, 2010.  It appears on Both Ends Burning, an organization run by Craig Juntunen, which bears the same name as his book. Their mission is stated here:

Both Ends Burning is a campaign to reform the current system of intercountry adoption so that more orphaned children can grow up in loving, caring homes. Our goal is to make intercountry adoption more affordable and less bureaucratic. Both ends of the adoption spectrum are troubled: Orphaned children need loving homes, and willing families face undue barriers to adopting them.

One statement in this post resonated with me:

There is no greater basic human right than a child’s right to grow up in a family.

Never before have I heard such a succinct expression of the heart of adoption. It its purest form, this is what adoption is all about.  In my trolling of the internet, I have read of some exceptions to this experience (adoptees who were misplaced into abusive families, child trafficking, etc.), but I applaud Both Ends Burning's campaign to bring adoption back to its essence: giving a child the right to live in a family. They work tirelessly to make intercountry adoptions more affordable and less bureaucratic. They are not quick to scoop up children who are orphaned (or appear to be orphaned) in times of national crisis and ship them overseas. If possible, the birthfamilies should be located and birthfamilies hopefully will be willing and able to take care of the child(ren). If not, orphanage stays should be minimal.

Isn't this what adoption is all about?

Perhaps I am too idealist and optimistic. But I do believe that everyone has the right to experience the unconditional, foundational (sometimes too-close-for-comfort-and-get-under-your-skin) love that comes from being part of a family.

Readers, do you agree with me? Or are my ideals too high and unattainable?

Potentially annoying questions...

Older Brother, Me, Younger sister

As I read people's experiences through NYTimes articles, blogs and other sources, I can always find a "rant". Here's mine: annoying questions.

For me, my annoying questions relate to my adoption. However, I'm noticing others who rant about these questions, particularly when people don't "match." It is not necessarily limited to race or skin colors, but can also happen between family members who do not resemble each other physically (eyes, nose, etc.).

For example, when I introduce someone to my sister, occasionally, we are on the receiving end of what I have termed "The Tennis Match Gaze." The person first looks at me, then at my sister, then back to me...as if it were a Serena Williams/Maria Sharapova volley at the U.S. Open, incredulous that we are actually sisters in the same family. If we have pity on the person, I will quickly explain "I'm adopted"...but not always. If I wait long enough, the annoying question will inevitably come: "That's your sister?" Why can't we be taken at face value (no pun intended)? Just because our hair colors, eye colors and skin tones don't "match," it doesn't mean we're NOT family. I mean, don't we live in the 21st Century? Why do we cling to an old-fashioned view of what it means to be family?

I'm not trying to be mean and nasty here. Most people are genuinely curious and just don't seem to know how to phrase their question. But I think as the recipient of these questions over a period of thirty to forty years, they can tend to wear you down...and sometimes make me want to shut down.

So, here are some of common questions, potentially annoying. If you're interested, click on the linked questions to read articles/blogs that speak to these questions:

Is that your baby/child? a.k.a. Are you the nanny?
Are those your kids?
What are you? (for those who have an unusual "ethnic" look)
Is that your mother/sister/brother?
Where did you come from?
Any history of (insert medical condition here) in your family? - this one is particularly annoying for me if I have to keep repeating it to the SAME physician each time I visit. Can you keep the fact that I'm adopted and have no access to this information on record, please? Thanks.


Readers, what are questions that annoy you? Please share.

Setting Priorities

As 2008 was winding down, I took an assessment of my life to set my priorities.  I knew that my "jack of all trades" approach to life could not continue.  It's not the first time that I have pruned my lifestyle.  My strength and weakness is that I love to be involved in every opportunity and with all kinds of people.  If someone cries for help, my hand shoots into the air to volunteer. Blame it on my Quaker school education. Or my innate personality. I can't help myself.

However, I have a family that needs me to be present.  Living in the moment with them.  One of my fears is that I will wake up one day, my kids will be adults and they will say to me, "You were never around."

How do you prioritize your passions?

I did cut back on some of my extra-familial activities, but I'm still as busy as ever.  Even if I cut back on work and personal interests, there is a new demand for my time.  My busy-ness comes from supporting my kids' passions. Sports. Theater. All of the "enriching experiences" parents want their children to have.

Is this the meaning of being a parent? To become less so my kids can become more?