Conference Presentation & upcoming webinar

Hello, my friends!

Well, I just finished an amazing weekend at the Smith College Women of Color Conference. It was sheer joy for me to co-present with my friend Lori Tharps; this is something we planned to do WAY back in 2010. It's so exciting when a dream is realized!

The title of our topic this time was "Same Family, Different Colors: Changing the Narrative for Society and Ourselves." It was a overview of colorism and color bias in the United States based on  Lori's research (and book of the same title) and my personal narrative as an Japanese-American adoptee and twelve years living in Japan. We had some honest, real conversation (wished there was time for more!) and for a first-time presentation, I was really pleased with everyone's reactions. I will confess: I am especially grateful for the woman who spoke up during the presentation to correct my reference to geishas. It was a classic example of being able to manage intent versus impact: a cultural competency skill learned from Jones & Associates Consulting (see handout circa 2011). I apologized for my impact publicly - and wished I had a chance to follow up individually. If you are reading this, please do reach out!

And the conference also rejuvenated my desire to share my story and, once again, revive this blog. At least for now with this post!

Secondly, I returned home to check my email and I found this alert in my email inbox: a post by Hopscotch Adoptions for an upcoming webinar that I thought compelling enough to share! What I love about this webinar is that it appears to be a moderated panel of adoptee voices -- something I am a BIG advocate for in the conversations around families formed by adoption. Gotta listen to OUR stories, please.

Perspectives on Transracial Adoption
Thursday, May 10 at 9 pm EDT
Estimated 1.5 hours
This webcast is brought to you by ALP in cooperation with Our Children: An Education & Empowerment Series.
Register here

Until next time...

Resurrection...

Photo Credit: http://www.clipartkid.com/images/119/heartrate-heartbeat-tattoo-SREnEk-clipart.png

Hello Adoption Fusion fans,

Well, I'm finally back!

After about a two-and-a-half year hiatus, I'm going to resurrect this blog! A number of things have inspired me to do so:

1. A colleague/fellow Smithie friend of mine has just started a blog. It's been such fun to subscribe and see her posts. I told her that she was an inspiration - and I should start up my blog again. So, here I am.
2. I read a few articles last week on Inc.com about morning productivity, waking at 4 a.m. (#21earlydays) and using that time to work on a project or your passion. I immediately thought of this blog. Note: I am trying out the #21earlydays ONLY on work days. I've accomplished two so far.
3. My work-life situation has shifted quite dramatically in the last two years, and I'm finally able to put this as a priority again!
4. Another adoptee friend of mine posted about her experience recently where she encountered...well, let's just say it...ignorance about transracial adoption. There is still much to be done in the area of awareness and education. This was the reason I started this blog in the first place!. Time to get back to educatin'!
5. Simone Biles, Rio 2016 Olympics and the debate about her "real parents", Enough said.
6. There are still SO many great articles, discussions, workshops, conferences about adoption and transracial adoption. My hope is that this can be a place to collect and share that information!

And so, without further ado, I share with you a September 1 MPR radio show, discussing the decrease in international adoptions and the experience of adoptive families and their children.

Enjoy!

NAIS PoCC 2013: Day 1

So, as I attempt to re-enter the atmosphere after the NAIS People of Color Conference (PoCC), I felt that the best way to do that is to write a quick post. Ok, well, maybe not so quick.

Thursday, December 5, 2013
1. Opening Ceremonies: as I expected, the opening ceremonies took quite a bit longer than planned. It was nice to see the new NAIS President John Chubb and the new VP for Equity and Justice Caroline Blackwell. The formalities leading up to their speeches was a little long -- but understandable. This is a BIG year of change for NAIS. I could tell that people (especially first-timers) were a little skeptical...waiting for the "wow" factor. Then the keynote speaker, Daniel Hernandez, Jr.: the intern who help save Gabrielle Giffords' life. He is such a formidable presence that you forget he's only 23! My workshop was slated to follow this session so, sadly, I had to excuse myself early to make sure my room was ready (A/V, handouts, etc.). Turns out, I probably could have stayed to hear the rest of his story.

2. Workshop A: my Adoption Fusion workshop.Although my workshop title and description had not changed from two years ago, everything else was new and improved. Switching from Powerpoint to Prezi was about the best thing I could have done. Mind mapping is a beautiful thing...Prezi helped link the title & description to the content as I was able to focus on the intersections between race, culture and adoption. Some of my same personal experiences were still there, but I referenced "The Dance of Identities" by John D. Palmer and shared my recent experiences with DNA with 23andMe, including recent article about Anne Wojcicki in Fast Company. And, of course, I referenced the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, Adoption Mentoring Program and other resources/documentaries. If any of you readers attended my workshop, be sure to give me feedback: good, bad or ugly. I can take it...really. I'm already thinking of a future topic: ways to increase awareness about adoption in the classroom. At my workshop, even though I left room for questions, I could sense that people still had MORE questions.

3. Affinity Group work: This year, I served as a peer facilitator alongside the external facilitator Dr. Mike Funk (yes, that is his real name...). It is an honor to work together with him year after year. Our group is traditionally small: lass than 30 people. But what a powerful group it is. One of the Community Norms is "Lean into Discomfort" - and, boy, did we! But in the end, consensus was reached and we were able to move forward and create/sustain group synergy. It was a two-hour session...so lots of time for synergy!

4. Workshop B: Embracing the Multifacted Identity of the Transnational Adoptee: an Affinity Group Experience. I was so inspired to see this workshop offered this year by two women who are educators in Washington State, Nell Brewer and Oriana Isaacson. I was able to participate for the first part of their workshop, but was unable to stay for the whole time. And I felt that their workshop was slightly underattended: a presentation about cultural competency (with speakers Steven Jones, Gene Batiste, Rosetta Lee and Tim Wise) was slated for the same time slot. Boo. Who can compete with that? But IMHO, Nell and Oriana did a great job. I especially liked their incorporation of video clips from ABC's Modern Family, demonstrating how adoption has become visible in mainstream TV culture. They also gave practicals on starting a student organization.

5. PoCC General Session: Keynote: Junot Diaz. Ok, wow. Don't even know where to start for this one. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have not had the pleasure to read his literary works...yet. But even I knew how big this keynote speaker is. He came out on the stage, dressed casually with a pin mic for maximum mobility. And then he began to speak. I'm not one to use "colorful" language -- Junot Diaz overflows with it. However, if you can filter through the tangled curse words, you can hear his message, his truth. Which is a universal truth. At conferences, for keynotes or other workshops, I like to tweet instead of take notes. But Junot Diaz's words, language and speech were so fluid, so quick, so full of punch after punch of memorable truths, I was unable to keep up. And I wasn't the only one. Check out the hashtag #PoCC2013 and you'll see what I mean. Anyone going to MIT out there? Be sure to register for one of Professor Diaz's creative writing classes. He is nothing short of brilliant.

Saty tuned for Day 2...

Exciting news: an update

In my earlier post, I mentioned some of the exciting connections I've been making in the adoption world here in Massachusetts. Well, here's the update:

1. On Labor Day 2012 weekend, I was able to present "Think Outside the Box: identity and intersectionality" at Smith College's training for House Diversity Representatives. What a blast - and it was amazing, encouraging and uplifting to connect with other Smithies who are social justice advocates. I'm forever grateful to them for inviting me and allowing me to be a part of their training session to ensure that social justice issues on campus are being addressed.
2. In February 2013, the Adoption Mentoring Program cohort groups met in two sessions to participate in my "Adoption Fusion" workshop. I need to touch base with the folks at Big Brothers Big Sisters of Hampshire County to get feedback about it. My hope is that everyone was able to learn a little bit more about each other's stories - and about their own identity journey.
3. In April 2013, I presented at the Asian American Footsteps Conference: a high school student conference who identify as Asian, Asian American or mixed-Asian. And I asked to bring my local, Asian adoptee high school friends...who are eager to go and connect with other Asians, of course. And I wasn't alone in my travels to The Pingree School that day: my colleague and two students from my school went with me...eagerly! Kudos to them for meeting me at 6:15 AM (yes, you read that right) to start our road trip...on a Sunday morning!

Stay tuned for more exciting adoption news as we pull into the summer-fall of 2013...some things are brewing behinds the scenes:-)

In art, exploring her adopted life

photo credit: Michael Bryant/Staff Philadelphia Inquirer

Seeing stories like this warms my heart. Not only is Sarah Mittledorf an adult adoptee from China, she's from my hometown: Mount Airy (Philadelphia)! This article in the Philadelphia Inquirer explains how Sarah is creating a theater production about the Chinese adoptee experience. She was inspired after attending a public screening of Wo Ai Ni Mommy. There were plenty of adoptive parents and adoption professionals present at the discussion, but the voice of the adoptee was absent. My earlier photo post featured one other theater production about adoption - which took place in Minnesota. Since Sarah Mittledorf is based on the East Coast, perhaps I'll be able to experience her final work.

I applaud Sarah Mittledorf for her courage create a work such as this.

Any thoughts, readers?

Adoption, fathers and network TV

Perhaps it's just my own perspective on adoption...the bias of my lens. But I think that network television is taking a chance on adoption-related themes. Glee's first season had Quinn as a pregnant teenager who decided to make an adoption plan for her baby. And after almost a whole season of not addressing the issue, Glee has decided to pick it up again - giving us insights into Quinn as a birth mother and Shelby as the adoptive mother.

Another case in point: I just finished watching the newest episode of Body of Proof. I tend to like the forensic-mysteries, like CSI...and Body of Proof is set in Philadelphia - so I get to feel nostalgic in addition to solving mysteries. What could be better?

What's better is that this episode had TWO points of resonance for me in its plot. The first one is that Peter Dunlop (the show's medicolegal investigator...what a mouthful!) decides to make contact with his birth father. When Megan Hunt (medical examiner and lead character of the show), notices something "off" about him, he tells her that he's contacted his birth father. Their dialog goes something like this:

Peter: I met my birth father...but it was a very bad idea.
Megan:Why? What happened?
Peter: Long story short, it just wasn't the happy ending I'd hoped for.
Megan: Well, at least you know the truth and, believe me, that's...much better than not knowing.
Peter: Why does it feel like I made a huge mistake?
Megan: Because you did something really hard.  That doesn't make it a mistake.

I love how Megan understands Peter - it IS something really hard. It took a lot of courage for Peter to pick up the phone, call, and actually show up to the meeting with his birth father.

The second point of resonance is at the end of the show. Megan recollects the last moments spent with her own father. She says that every time she hears a song on the radio, it brings her back to the time she was 12 and spending a great day with her mom and dad. For a long time she was unable to listen to the song for the pain it caused her. "(But) You know," she says, "I would never want to forget that pain. It makes me who I am, you know? I can't imagine losing that."

As someone who lost their father 13 year ago...yes, Megan Hunt, I know exactly what you mean. That pain has made me who I am today. I am actually grateful for it. And I'm grateful that network TV is not afraid to take on more adoption themes in their programming.

Chinese New Year: a question...

Thanks to my Google Alerts, I was able to find an interesting article from my "hometown area", just outside of Philadelphia, PA. The Montgomery News article highlights families who have adopted children from China - and now celebrate Chinese New Year with their family. The article starts by saying:

"Everyone deserves to know their heritage. For parents of children adopted from Asian countries, Chinese New Year is the perfect opportunity to offer a window into that rich heritage."

It's a feel-good piece about how families feel about their multi-culti family, how they appreciate the "culture" of their adopted child, and how they raise their children. I'm sure that it resonates with many people, many families who have formed their families by adopting children (oh, why don't I just say it...GIRLS) from China.

My question is: who initiated the exploration of Chinese New Year? Was it the daughters? Or was it the parents? How important is it to incorporate the adopted child(ren)'s homeland culture into the adopted family?

My friend over at the My American Meltingpot blog addressed a similar question in her post and an article for the Philadelphia Inquirer on Dec. 14, discussion holiday celebrations. The take-away was the importance of becoming a full multicultural family, not just on holidays and special occasions.

I'd love to hear from some adult adoptees from China who celebrated Chinese New Year with their adoptive families when they were young. I'm curious: was it a meaningful experience? Is it the source of some fond memories? Or did it seem contrived and awkward to have white parents put on a Chinese New Year celebration?

As a Japanese-Caucasian adoptee who was raised with Norwegian traditions and NO Japanese traditions, I'm not sure how it would have felt if my family decided to celebrate OBon in August or made o-sechi-ryori for New Year's Day. I think it's pretty cool that I can make krumkake - the Norwegian pressed-then-rolled cookie - and it's one of my favorites to this day.

Would love to hear your thoughts, readers.

Adopted: The Movie in NYC

I definitely have a long wish list for books, movies and all things "adoption." But "Adopted: the Movie" is pretty high up on the list. I've seen clips on the website, but have 1) never broken down and just bought the DVD for myself and 2) never lived close enough to see a screening of the movie.

And, now, my Google Alert shows me that Adopted is being shown in New York City for a six-evening series of screenings and themed discussions with adult adoptees (all for $20/night...the catch is you need to buy into the whole 6-night series). ARGH! Why am I not living in NYC:-)?

*sigh* I guess I'll have to wait to buy the DVD myself...or wait until they head north.

Who Are My Brothers And Sisters?

I returned from the National Association of Independent Schools People of Color Conference on Saturday, Dec. 3. Yes, it IS a mouthful. This year, the conference took place in my hometown, Philadelphia: the city of Brotherly Love (and Sisterly Affection). The title, and themes for discussion groups centered on the nation's birthplace and it's Mural Arts Project. It does my heart good to attend this conference - especially in Philadelphia - for many reasons.

First, I get to see amazing keynote speakers and attend thought-provoking workshops. Every year, they find people - big name people - like Wes Moore, Lorene Cary or Martin Nesbitt. But what is strikes me about these General Session Speakers is how real they are. They get up in front of thousands of people (this year's total for adults and students was just over 3800) and tell their story. They tell it like it is. Respectfully. Meaningfully. And occasionally through some tears.

Second, I reconnect with my fellow independent school educators and I get to meet new ones. I met many of my friends from Philadelphia, Delaware and New York. However, since I've relocated to the western side of Massachusetts, it is crucial for me to know who is in my neck of the woods (quite literally). At a regional meeting, I represented my independent school and proudly display my school's colors for the other schools to see. And I met new allies in the independent schools that are close to me. Like the Girl Scout saying goes, make new friends and keep the old.

Third, I get to see my "family". No, not my family who live in New Hampshire, Vermont, Minnesota nor the Philadelphia area. My new "family" of transracial adoptees. There are specific times in the conference set aside for reflection on your own identity and what it means in the greater world. Last year, the NAIS PoCC created another break-out group  - for transracial adoptees. After three sessions of exploring our identities together, there is a kindred bond that is hard to explain...these friends are my new brothers and sisters.

Don't be surprised if the next few blog posts are about my "take-aways" from this conference. Those two-and-a-half days DO leave a lasting impression. 

No Need for Family Trees

As I am heading out to the NAIS People of Color Conference to lead my Adoption Fusion workshop/dialogue, I check in one last time to my favorite adoption blogs. Yet again, I see a post about the dreaded "family tree" lesson.

Perhaps "dreaded" is a strong word. It's just that there are so ways to portray your family nowadays - why settle for a linear, one-dimensional model? Why not be more inclusive of how we define "family"?

Here is one alternative that I share in my workshops: the family wheel. It includes ALL kinds of families formed in ALL kinds of ways. And it puts the subject at the center - rather than out on a limb (so to speak). This is my personal wheel - and a static template, but the wheel could easily be drawn freehand to allow for more "slices of the pie". Enjoy!

National Adoption Awareness Month: A Princess Found

It's National Adoption Awareness Month! And here is my first contribution of the month (better late than never!).

At the NAIS People of Color Conference 2010, I was thrilled to see that Sarah Culberson, an adult adoptee pictured above, was a featured speaker. Sadly, I was not able to attend her session or book signing, but I did buy her book. As fate would have it, she walked past me in the lobby of her hotel so that book got signed after all!

Sarah Culberson and Traci Trivas write  about her adoption/search/reunion story in A Princess Found: a memoir retold in quick, soundbyte chapters.

Sarah's story inspired me - the courage to share her story and the candor with which she shared. Once she discovered that her father was Sierra Leonean and was able to visit her biological family, she realized her calling to bring healing to the townspeople's lives. She recognized her place of privilege as a way she could give back to the people of Bumpe - to restore their village and to educate their children by rebuilding her father's school. Much like Esther in the Old Testament, she saw that her life had been lived for such a time as this.  She was able to connect her two worlds and unite her families.

As I tweak and revise my own workshop on transracial adoption for this Saturday, I draw strength and encouragment from her story. Many thanks, Sarah, for your courage!

Adoption Nation-second edition

Oh, the joys of getting a new book in the mail!

Well, new for me, anyway. Yesterday, I received the "new" Adoption Nation, by Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. To quote from his website: You’ll note that I put the word “new” in quotation marks; that’s because – as some of you eagle-eyed readers will note – it’s really a revised and updated 10th Anniversary Edition of my first book, and it bears the same main title. But it contains so much new research and information, so many new perspectives and up-to-date stories, and such significant changes and enhancements throughout, that I hope even the most careful readers of the original “Adoption Nation” will agree that it’s worthy of the adjective “new.”


I'm off to read this book...stay tuned for my book review later!

To Place or not to Place...

...that is the question in transracial adoption.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of racial tensions by placing a child of color with a white family permanently,
Or to take arms against this placement - to wait for a same-race family member or same-race adoptive family,
And by opposing the MultiEthnic Placement Act-Interethnic Placement Act of 1994/1996 end the troubles?

I hope that The Bard will forgive me for borrowing his words from Hamlet, but it seemed all too fitting as I read this interesting op-ed article here called "The Radicalization of Adoption Threatens Black Children". The writer Ryan Bomberger goes straight to the heart of this issue: what is best for the child - a permanent home or ethnic identity? He makes some good points, and being a transracial adoptee himself, disagrees openly with the stance taken by the National Association of Black Social Workers in 1972. He is speaking out against the many brown-skinned children who remain in foster care because of the inability to cross racial boundaries by admitting our own prejudices. He openly acknowledges that not all families can or should adopt, but he does believe that it is up to us to make this world a better place for our children - especially those without parents or permanent families.

And what do I think? I think that adoption across racial lines is a fine way to build a family with one important condition: that the adoptive family work together to continually educate themselves about their (adopted) child's culture AND to develop their own identity through self-examination and realization of their own biases, prejudices, and cultural lenses. While adoption advocates, agencies and organizations often talk about "what's best for the child", they must also include a support system that educates the parents and extended family members who may encounter the ugly side of racism for the first time.

The truth is we live in a world (particularly in the United States) where skin color does make a difference. The "color-blind" mindset does not hold because it ignores what makes us each unique. Sadly, with darker skin color comes greater responsibility: in a world where overt racism is illegal in most situations, microaggressions abound. If a family adopts a child with a darker skin color or with smaller, almond-shaped eyes, they need to be prepared to help that child when these microaggressions happen. And if they have never experienced these themselves, education and awareness is vital.

What do you think, readers? Can we put aside our racial biases and create a culture that accepts a family of many colors, breaking the hegemony of same-race families for the sake of permanent homes for many orphans? Or is it better to place these children with same-race families who can empathize with them when racial hardships come their way?

As always, I'll be waiting for your comments...

Kung Fu Panda 2 takes on adoption

OK. I admit it. I am a full-length-feature-animated-film lover. I've seen every Disney animation (although Disney and I have a "love-hate" relationship...which another story altogether), Dreamworks and Pixar film.

So when I saw the trailers for the first "Kung Fu Panda" by Dreamworks, I was a bit skeptical. "Oh, man. Here we go. An animated movie that is going to take all of the Asian stereotypes and blow them out of proportion. Another cartoon where the main character is voiced by a white person, and the Asian people are in supporting roles." I did not see this one in the movie theaters. But when I watched it on DVD later, I was nicely surprised. It was thoroughly entertaining and not as packed with offensive stereotypes as I thought! There was one pressing question on my mind: how come the Panda hero has a Goose for a father? How come Po the Panda feels like he doesn't fit into the noodle-making family?

Enter Kung-Fu Panda 2. They should have subtitled it: "The search for self" or "The journey for inner peace." Po the Panda finds out that he was "abandoned" as a child and discovered by his noodle-making father, Ping the Goose. During the movie, the underlying theme is that Po must find himself. In order to have inner peace, he must know who he is. And, through the course of the movie, he does indeed find out his true story, which has painful roots that tie directly to the new arch-enemy he faces.

I loved how Dreamworks took on this challenging topic and, I confess, I did shed a few tears when Po realizes that "it is not where you come from that matters, but where you are going." As an adoptee, this is something I truly believe. Do I want to know where I am from? Yes. Have I tried searching for my birth parents? Yes. Do I want to continue searching until they are found...no matter what the end result is? Yes, although my actions and my courage wane from time to time. I do not discount my past - especially when it comes to my birth parents - but knowing I am adopted gives me firm roots in who I am and also gives me the freedom for where I want to go.

It's a complex life, as you well know, my readers. But for all the joys and pains, it's my life...and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

For another opinion: read this article.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Videos: Adoptee Rights in Pennsylvania

This video makes me...
...thankful to my mother, who obtained my original birth certificate before the passing of the Adoption Act of 1984...
...proud to be a Pennsylvanian...
...sad that I no longer live in PA because I would gladly volunteer my time to support Pennsylvania Adoptee Rights...
...happy that I can post this video on my blog, share it with others, and continue to educate others wherever I go...

I also like the PAR's other video "Who Am I?" (below):


Readers, I would love to hear your thoughts about these videos.

Starting off on the right foot

Happy New Year!
It's only January 11, and I'm so excited about the New Year. Here's why: I'm thrilled to be back in Western Massachusetts, after a twenty-year hiatus. I'm even more amazed at the adoption connections already being forged. Perhaps it is just my "adoption radar" going into overdrive, but I can't remember when this many great community connections have just appeared before my eyes.

• I was able to attend the National Association of Independent Schools People of Color Conference in early December. At that conference, I was one of the facilitators for the Transracial/Transnational Adoptee group - an incredibly powerful experience. I'm grateful to my mom, who helped me to afford this conference.
• Through a colleague at work, I was able to meet another independent school educator at the aforementioned conference. My  transracial adoption workshop was just accepted at their Diversity Conference, where I will be presenting to Middle and Upper Schoolers (grades 7 - 12).
• I submitted a short article to a Philadelphia-based independent magazine, describing my upbringing and family dynamic as a transracial adoptee. Check out their blog!
• Friends around me are adopting, hoping to adopt or have adopted already - and there is an immediate bond that we share.

My thankfulness is overflowing.

One of my goals this year is to keep up my regular posts to the blog. And with the community connections so far, the year is starting off on the right foot.

Readers, any exciting news about adoption or multicultural families out there? Please share!

Birthday Letter to My Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mom¹,
Today is my birthday, but you already know that. I’ve attached a picture of me, taken in 2008. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to tell you what’s happened to me since my birthday forty-two years ago.
I was adopted into a loving family at two months old; a family that already had a young son, but they told me that they always wanted to adopt. The mother² is extremely proud of her Norwegian heritage. Her mother – the grandmother² – was the first generation immigrant to the United States from Norway. She came here when she was six. Anyway, I tell you this because I grew up with lots of Norwegian cultural influences all around me: Norwegian flags trimming the Christmas tree, Viking motifs and sometimes fiskeboller (a fish meatball) for dinner. I didn’t care for fiskeboller too much, because we would usually get them from a can, and it always tasted like the can to me. Overall, I enjoyed learning Norwegian table blessings and songs. It can be fun for a child to celebrate heritage and culture.
My childhood was, in some ways, pretty normal. In other ways, it’s pretty special. This family brought me up in a Christian household, attending church regularly, not just on Christmas and Easter. The Philadelphia neighborhood we lived in is called Mount Airy. It is a very diverse place with people of all races, creeds, and even socioeconomic statuses (to some degree). I attended private Quaker schools all through my childhood. After high school, I was able to attend Smith College, where I majored in East Asian Studies with a concentration in Japanese. As I got older, I appreciated my upbringing more and more.
Additionally, as I got older, I also needed to find out who I am and claim my identity for my very own. This was a challenging process. It’s a never-ending journey for all of us, I think. It was hard to grow up and not have anyone around who looked like me. After I was adopted, the mother and father gave birth to a girl (younger sister²). As all three children grew up, the older brother₂ and younger sister² began to look more and more like the parents; I felt like the odd kid out.  It was frustrating to want my eyebrows to match the pictures I saw on TV and on the cover of Seventeen magazines, knowing that my eyebrows were the complete opposite shape of the beauty standards. And where did my eyebrows come from anyway? Only when I went to Japan did I realize where they came from, noticing “my eyebrows” on every Japanese person walking down the street. During my preteen and teenage years, my insecurities would manifest themselves in emotional outbursts of “I don’t belong in this family” or “You’re not my REAL mother anyway”, directed at the family². Intellectually, I knew that this was untrue but I let emotions get the best of me.
During college was the first time I was able to identify emotionally with my Japanese heritage; I watched a documentary about the U.S. Japanese Internment during WWII and then cried my eyes out afterward. After immersing myself in Japanese language and studies at college, I was able to live and work in Japan for twelve years. It was then that I soon discovered that all of my Japanese pride and education didn’t mean a hill of beans to the Japanese Nationals. If neither I LOOKED 100% Japanese nor had a Japanese surname, I wasn’t Japanese to them. I learned how to be comfortable in my own identity – I am White and I am Japanese; I am a 100% citizen of the United States of America.
After I became comfortable with this part of my identity, the father² in the family died suddenly in February 1999. We were extremely close, and his sudden death put me into an emotional tailspin. Once again, I needed to look within to find out who I really am. I kept asking myself, “Why am I taking this death so hard? Why is it affecting me so much?” It was then I realized the depth of what was happening to me; I was reliving the day I was separated from you. While his passing was painful for me, his death brought a whole new self-awareness for me; for that, I am grateful.
Now, I am married and have two boys.  I met my Minnesotan husband in Tokyo, Japan. Both of my sons were born there. We returned to the U.S. in 2004, when the kids were 5 and 7 years old. As I watch the kids grow up and navigate their own identity journeys, it’s amazing to see how much they identify with their Japanese heritage. It helps me continue to travel my identity journey.
I’m writing to tell you that I’m okay. I want you to know that, even though I do not know all the circumstances surrounding my birth, I can appreciate the difficult choices you had to make in order to carry me to full term and then make plans for my adoption. I have nothing but the deepest respect for you because of the choices you made. If you ever feel that you would like to meet me, I am more than willing to do this. Just know that it would take a lot of courage and humility on both our parts.
From,
Your Daughter<sup>3

1</sup> Even though I have my original birth certificate, I chose not to use her name out of respect for her privacy. We have not had a reunion yet, and I am unable to ask her permission to share her name publicly.
² I have intentionally addressed my adoptive family in the third person. They are/were the only family I’ve known, but refer to them in this way to be sensitive to my birth mother and to them. Addressing them as my “adoptive” family doesn’t feel right to me. Addressing them as my “family” might not feel right to my birth mother.
³ I know that name my birth mother gave me, but chose not to use it here. Also, she would not recognize the name I have now, so I chose not to use it.

Off and Running - a letter to Avery

(This documentary aired again on PBS’s P.O.V. on September 7, 2010. You may watch it online until December 7, 2010)

Dear Avery,

Thank you for letting Nicole Opper tell your story. As a fellow adult adoptee, I appreciate your bravery and willingness to share your life with me. I’m especially glad that your family is featured in the film to show the world that “family” has a new definition nowadays. I hope that your mothers and brothers are well.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m an adult adoptee, born and raised in Philadelphia. I’m Japanese-American, meaning my bio-mom had Japanese heritage and my bio-dad was a mixture of Welsh, Irish, German, et al. My adoptive family is white: Norwegian on my mother’s side and German on my father’s side. When I was growing up, my mother always took great pride in her Norwegian heritage, so I grew up with some of their food, phrases and customs. I learned about my birth culture (Japan) after I left home and went to college. I have an older brother and a younger sister – both born of my parents. We grew up in a great neighborhood in Philadelphia called Mount Airy. It’s still a wonderfully diverse neighborhood to this day.

My adoption was closed and my birth records sealed. However, my mother is a great researcher and a librarian by trade, so she did a lot of detective work to obtain my original birth certificate, which has my name and my birth parents names on it. That’s really rare for someone who was born in the late 60’s like me. I have made attempts to contact my birth parents, but have not had any luck so far. I’ve made a few attempts, and I’m not sure if I feel the strong need to make contact. I’d like to know my medical history, but I’m also resolved if I never make contact or have a reunion with them.

I am glad that you have made contact with your birth mother. I know that it was difficult for you to hear from her once, and then not have an ongoing relationship with her. I hope you have made peace with that.

Seeing Rafi go off to college and then witnessing your struggles really spoke to my experiences. When my father (adoptive) died, I was in Japan. It was a difficult time in my life to be separated from him. But in the end, it helped me to learn about feelings of abandonment, separation and loss. I saw some of the same separation struggles happen when Rafi went off to Princeton. For me, knowing that I have trouble with separation from those I’m close to helps me to weather those tough times.

Watching your mothers’ reactions to your struggles was hard for me to watch. They seem like loving, and understanding parents, but as you went through your stages of racial identity, I wished that they could have reached out for help. Perhaps they did and it was not captured on film. Oh, and if you haven’t read Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations about Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum yet, I highly recommend it. Get your moms to read it, too. It’s great at explaining the stages of racial identity (William Cross's model).

Thank you again for working with Nicole to tell your story. I know that it will help a lot of transracially adoptive families.

Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy - movie critique

This documentary aired on PBS’s P.O.V. on August 31, 2010 – and the blogs were buzzing with criticism and comments. I must admit – my feathers were also ruffled at first.

After watching only eleven minutes of this documentary, which led up to the first meeting of Donna Sadowsky and Fang Sui Yong (now named Faith Sadowsky), I was incensed that the mother had come to China without learning any Chinese! (I later saw that she knew a word here and there, but not enough to have a basic conversation).  As the two of them spent time at the agency together, with the filmmaker herself stepping in as a translator, it became very apparent that adopting an older child from another country presented a whole new level of unforeseen challenges for this family. This was my main disappointment in the Sadowsky’s life: the unforeseen. Why did the family not learn Chinese, in order to be able to communicate with this child? I cringed when I heard the mother announce to Sui Yong that her name would be “Faith”, and then hearing the adoption agency translator struggle to pronounce it correctly. Did Donna Sadowsky not know that East Asians have a difficult time pronouncing “TH” before choosing such a name? Could not more effort have been made to find a name that would have been easy for Americans and Chinese to pronounce?

It was hard to see the lack of racial and cultural awareness in the family at first. Did the family not understand what it meant to bring Chinese girls (yes, they adopted an infant from China a few years earlier) into their white, Jewish, Long Island family? Were they not asked the four questions before they adopted internationally and transracially?

Luckily, by the last thirty minutes, the family made some real strides in attempting to raise their Chinese daughters (yes, they adopted an infant a few years earlier). The high point of the movie for me was when Donna Sadowsky picked up the phone and made an appointment with Dr. Amanda Baden, who came over to the house.  If only more time had been spent in the documentary focusing on their dialogue! If only we could have witnessed their progress on learning how to raise two Chinese-American daughters, not Chinese daughters in America.

Overall, I found the film to be a catalyst for “leaning into discomfort” and would recommend viewing it. I think that the photo and the title set the audience up for a sweet story – which it is not. The family was loving and provided many physical comforts that native-born Americans don’t even enjoy. However, they admit that they are learning and have some growing to do.  I also chastise the many Sadowsky criticizers out there by applauding this family for exposing their life to public view and critique. It’s an extremely brave thing to do. In the end, Faith makes a brilliant transition, to the point of not being able to speak with her foster family over Skype. Faith now needs the translator.

If you watch this online (from now until November 30, 2010), please make time to watch the interview with the filmmaker. It gives valuable insight on the filmmaker’s motivations for the film and what she’s trying to accomplish. It helped me to feel much more sympathetic toward the Sadowsky family.

Potentially annoying questions...

Older Brother, Me, Younger sister

As I read people's experiences through NYTimes articles, blogs and other sources, I can always find a "rant". Here's mine: annoying questions.

For me, my annoying questions relate to my adoption. However, I'm noticing others who rant about these questions, particularly when people don't "match." It is not necessarily limited to race or skin colors, but can also happen between family members who do not resemble each other physically (eyes, nose, etc.).

For example, when I introduce someone to my sister, occasionally, we are on the receiving end of what I have termed "The Tennis Match Gaze." The person first looks at me, then at my sister, then back to me...as if it were a Serena Williams/Maria Sharapova volley at the U.S. Open, incredulous that we are actually sisters in the same family. If we have pity on the person, I will quickly explain "I'm adopted"...but not always. If I wait long enough, the annoying question will inevitably come: "That's your sister?" Why can't we be taken at face value (no pun intended)? Just because our hair colors, eye colors and skin tones don't "match," it doesn't mean we're NOT family. I mean, don't we live in the 21st Century? Why do we cling to an old-fashioned view of what it means to be family?

I'm not trying to be mean and nasty here. Most people are genuinely curious and just don't seem to know how to phrase their question. But I think as the recipient of these questions over a period of thirty to forty years, they can tend to wear you down...and sometimes make me want to shut down.

So, here are some of common questions, potentially annoying. If you're interested, click on the linked questions to read articles/blogs that speak to these questions:

Is that your baby/child? a.k.a. Are you the nanny?
Are those your kids?
What are you? (for those who have an unusual "ethnic" look)
Is that your mother/sister/brother?
Where did you come from?
Any history of (insert medical condition here) in your family? - this one is particularly annoying for me if I have to keep repeating it to the SAME physician each time I visit. Can you keep the fact that I'm adopted and have no access to this information on record, please? Thanks.


Readers, what are questions that annoy you? Please share.