Who Are My Brothers And Sisters?

I returned from the National Association of Independent Schools People of Color Conference on Saturday, Dec. 3. Yes, it IS a mouthful. This year, the conference took place in my hometown, Philadelphia: the city of Brotherly Love (and Sisterly Affection). The title, and themes for discussion groups centered on the nation's birthplace and it's Mural Arts Project. It does my heart good to attend this conference - especially in Philadelphia - for many reasons.

First, I get to see amazing keynote speakers and attend thought-provoking workshops. Every year, they find people - big name people - like Wes Moore, Lorene Cary or Martin Nesbitt. But what is strikes me about these General Session Speakers is how real they are. They get up in front of thousands of people (this year's total for adults and students was just over 3800) and tell their story. They tell it like it is. Respectfully. Meaningfully. And occasionally through some tears.

Second, I reconnect with my fellow independent school educators and I get to meet new ones. I met many of my friends from Philadelphia, Delaware and New York. However, since I've relocated to the western side of Massachusetts, it is crucial for me to know who is in my neck of the woods (quite literally). At a regional meeting, I represented my independent school and proudly display my school's colors for the other schools to see. And I met new allies in the independent schools that are close to me. Like the Girl Scout saying goes, make new friends and keep the old.

Third, I get to see my "family". No, not my family who live in New Hampshire, Vermont, Minnesota nor the Philadelphia area. My new "family" of transracial adoptees. There are specific times in the conference set aside for reflection on your own identity and what it means in the greater world. Last year, the NAIS PoCC created another break-out group  - for transracial adoptees. After three sessions of exploring our identities together, there is a kindred bond that is hard to explain...these friends are my new brothers and sisters.

Don't be surprised if the next few blog posts are about my "take-aways" from this conference. Those two-and-a-half days DO leave a lasting impression. 

Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at THIS!

I don't know exactly how to start this post. I'm still in shock from my innocent Google search.

Let me start from the beginning. At work, we have a new online project management tool that is shared with many employees at work. I have a Profile and can upload a picture to identify myself - a sort-of-avatar, if you will.  At first, I uploaded my work ID photo (nerd). Then I thought, "Why don't I upload something fun and unique to me?"

Since I'm partially Japanese and lived in Japan for so many years, why not a Japanese flag? I do what every web-surfer does: I googled "Japanese flag". Lots of images come up, but when a national flag is a white background with a red "hinomaru" (circular sun) in the center, it doesn't translate well to a 100x100 pixel icon. It ends up looking like a big, red dot.

I click on "Images" to expand the repetoire. I find a nice photo of a Japanese flag, waving in the wind with trees in the background. It really makes the flag stand out nicely. But I scroll down further...what's this? I can hardly believe my eyes!

This picture is simply named: "Lovely young female holding a Japanese flag" and shows this attractive woman (most likely a mixed race asian person), holding a small Japanese flag, smiling - perhaps even laughing - and pulling the sides of her eyes. Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees...

Sadly, I cannot post the picture on this site (but you can click on the link). To post it here would mean actually purchasing the photo from the stock photo company. I was tempted to do so, for the sake of creating a shockingly visual post. However, I do not want this company to make one single cent off of me or anyone else if they do not review or even censor their photos for racial insensitivities. Shame on the photographer (whose first name could be Japanese!). Shame on the model. But I hold the stock photo company ultimately responsible for purchasing it and posting it in their catalog.

What's worse is that all of the other "flag" photos taken by that photographer (and all with the same model) - Brazil, Germany, Sweden, France, Switzerland, Australia, Saudi Arabia, China, South Korea - were normal. No funny faces. No pulled eyes.

I'm not sure if it was serendipitous for me or stupidity for them, but below the picture there was a "tweet" button to push the web link on Twitter. Which is exactly what I did, with my commentary "Can't believe this is on a stock photo site. I'm offended."

Ask any adult Asian American you know, and I bet they have their own "Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees" story...and I bet it's an ugly one. Hopefully, Asian American children of the last decade have been spared this cruel joke. But if one of my students - or even my own teenagers - tells me they have heard this chant when they were young, I wouldn't be surprised.

Gentle Readers, I would love to hear your thoughts about this photo. Am I overreacting?

To Place or not to Place...

...that is the question in transracial adoption.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of racial tensions by placing a child of color with a white family permanently,
Or to take arms against this placement - to wait for a same-race family member or same-race adoptive family,
And by opposing the MultiEthnic Placement Act-Interethnic Placement Act of 1994/1996 end the troubles?

I hope that The Bard will forgive me for borrowing his words from Hamlet, but it seemed all too fitting as I read this interesting op-ed article here called "The Radicalization of Adoption Threatens Black Children". The writer Ryan Bomberger goes straight to the heart of this issue: what is best for the child - a permanent home or ethnic identity? He makes some good points, and being a transracial adoptee himself, disagrees openly with the stance taken by the National Association of Black Social Workers in 1972. He is speaking out against the many brown-skinned children who remain in foster care because of the inability to cross racial boundaries by admitting our own prejudices. He openly acknowledges that not all families can or should adopt, but he does believe that it is up to us to make this world a better place for our children - especially those without parents or permanent families.

And what do I think? I think that adoption across racial lines is a fine way to build a family with one important condition: that the adoptive family work together to continually educate themselves about their (adopted) child's culture AND to develop their own identity through self-examination and realization of their own biases, prejudices, and cultural lenses. While adoption advocates, agencies and organizations often talk about "what's best for the child", they must also include a support system that educates the parents and extended family members who may encounter the ugly side of racism for the first time.

The truth is we live in a world (particularly in the United States) where skin color does make a difference. The "color-blind" mindset does not hold because it ignores what makes us each unique. Sadly, with darker skin color comes greater responsibility: in a world where overt racism is illegal in most situations, microaggressions abound. If a family adopts a child with a darker skin color or with smaller, almond-shaped eyes, they need to be prepared to help that child when these microaggressions happen. And if they have never experienced these themselves, education and awareness is vital.

What do you think, readers? Can we put aside our racial biases and create a culture that accepts a family of many colors, breaking the hegemony of same-race families for the sake of permanent homes for many orphans? Or is it better to place these children with same-race families who can empathize with them when racial hardships come their way?

As always, I'll be waiting for your comments...

Off and Running - a letter to Avery

(This documentary aired again on PBS’s P.O.V. on September 7, 2010. You may watch it online until December 7, 2010)

Dear Avery,

Thank you for letting Nicole Opper tell your story. As a fellow adult adoptee, I appreciate your bravery and willingness to share your life with me. I’m especially glad that your family is featured in the film to show the world that “family” has a new definition nowadays. I hope that your mothers and brothers are well.

Let me tell you a little about myself. I’m an adult adoptee, born and raised in Philadelphia. I’m Japanese-American, meaning my bio-mom had Japanese heritage and my bio-dad was a mixture of Welsh, Irish, German, et al. My adoptive family is white: Norwegian on my mother’s side and German on my father’s side. When I was growing up, my mother always took great pride in her Norwegian heritage, so I grew up with some of their food, phrases and customs. I learned about my birth culture (Japan) after I left home and went to college. I have an older brother and a younger sister – both born of my parents. We grew up in a great neighborhood in Philadelphia called Mount Airy. It’s still a wonderfully diverse neighborhood to this day.

My adoption was closed and my birth records sealed. However, my mother is a great researcher and a librarian by trade, so she did a lot of detective work to obtain my original birth certificate, which has my name and my birth parents names on it. That’s really rare for someone who was born in the late 60’s like me. I have made attempts to contact my birth parents, but have not had any luck so far. I’ve made a few attempts, and I’m not sure if I feel the strong need to make contact. I’d like to know my medical history, but I’m also resolved if I never make contact or have a reunion with them.

I am glad that you have made contact with your birth mother. I know that it was difficult for you to hear from her once, and then not have an ongoing relationship with her. I hope you have made peace with that.

Seeing Rafi go off to college and then witnessing your struggles really spoke to my experiences. When my father (adoptive) died, I was in Japan. It was a difficult time in my life to be separated from him. But in the end, it helped me to learn about feelings of abandonment, separation and loss. I saw some of the same separation struggles happen when Rafi went off to Princeton. For me, knowing that I have trouble with separation from those I’m close to helps me to weather those tough times.

Watching your mothers’ reactions to your struggles was hard for me to watch. They seem like loving, and understanding parents, but as you went through your stages of racial identity, I wished that they could have reached out for help. Perhaps they did and it was not captured on film. Oh, and if you haven’t read Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? And Other Conversations about Race by Beverly Daniel Tatum yet, I highly recommend it. Get your moms to read it, too. It’s great at explaining the stages of racial identity (William Cross's model).

Thank you again for working with Nicole to tell your story. I know that it will help a lot of transracially adoptive families.

Potentially annoying questions...

Older Brother, Me, Younger sister

As I read people's experiences through NYTimes articles, blogs and other sources, I can always find a "rant". Here's mine: annoying questions.

For me, my annoying questions relate to my adoption. However, I'm noticing others who rant about these questions, particularly when people don't "match." It is not necessarily limited to race or skin colors, but can also happen between family members who do not resemble each other physically (eyes, nose, etc.).

For example, when I introduce someone to my sister, occasionally, we are on the receiving end of what I have termed "The Tennis Match Gaze." The person first looks at me, then at my sister, then back to me...as if it were a Serena Williams/Maria Sharapova volley at the U.S. Open, incredulous that we are actually sisters in the same family. If we have pity on the person, I will quickly explain "I'm adopted"...but not always. If I wait long enough, the annoying question will inevitably come: "That's your sister?" Why can't we be taken at face value (no pun intended)? Just because our hair colors, eye colors and skin tones don't "match," it doesn't mean we're NOT family. I mean, don't we live in the 21st Century? Why do we cling to an old-fashioned view of what it means to be family?

I'm not trying to be mean and nasty here. Most people are genuinely curious and just don't seem to know how to phrase their question. But I think as the recipient of these questions over a period of thirty to forty years, they can tend to wear you down...and sometimes make me want to shut down.

So, here are some of common questions, potentially annoying. If you're interested, click on the linked questions to read articles/blogs that speak to these questions:

Is that your baby/child? a.k.a. Are you the nanny?
Are those your kids?
What are you? (for those who have an unusual "ethnic" look)
Is that your mother/sister/brother?
Where did you come from?
Any history of (insert medical condition here) in your family? - this one is particularly annoying for me if I have to keep repeating it to the SAME physician each time I visit. Can you keep the fact that I'm adopted and have no access to this information on record, please? Thanks.


Readers, what are questions that annoy you? Please share.

The U.S. Census Controversy

As I eagerly looked forward to receiving my 2010 Census form, I quickly realized that across the blogosphere and web, not everyone shared my enthusiasm.

There are a few posts out there (listed below) that comment on the Census 2010 and their questions about race (and how "race" is worded) AND household relationships, marking whether the dependents are biological, adopted, step-, foster, etc.

As an adult mixed-race adoptee, I'm thrilled that I can now check as many boxes as I want, need or desire to define my "race." I also wholeheartedly support the asking of the "relationship" question.
So, in a Q & A format, here are my thoughts on the U.S. Census contoversy.

Why should I have to mark my child as "adopted" when their adoption certificate states they "shall be considered the (child) of the adopting parents, entitled to the same rights and privileges, and subject to the same duties and obligations as if the said person had been born in wedlock to the adoptive parents"? Doesn't it single them out?

Answer: When I started doing my own research on adoption in the United States, I cannot begin to tell you the relief I felt finding the Census 2000 results. For those who may not know, the Census 2000 was the first time that the "adoption" question was asked.  The results confirmed what I knew intellectually, but had little statistical proof to back it up: I'm NOT the only one. Most of my life, I've emotionally struggled with feeling like the "only one." Adoptees all have their unique story but from my experience, this can be a point of commonality. Adoption identity formation is quite complex - and one part is feeling a sense of "belonging" and "outside" at the same time, like I am not OF your family. This is especially true of transracial adoptees.  The family hegemony of "all families look alike" is so prevalent across countries and cultures that it is truly hard to break away from this.  It is so affirming to have concrete facts to show how many people in the United States are touched by adoption. When I found the Census 2000 facts on adoption (and for everyone who answered honestly, I'm sure there were a few more who chose NOT to answer this question), it made me want to go door-to-door to encourage everyone to fill out their 2010 form! When you meet someone face-to-face or in public, you can choose whether to share your adopted relationship or not, but - please - don't withhold information from the Census that could be useful in changing legislation and how we view and approach family formation in this country. Adoption has the potential to be a wonderful way to form a family, and should get acknowledged as such in legislation, federal funding and in society.

Why is the U.S. government making me recognize my child(ren) as adopted when legally and emotionally there is no difference? Can't the government get the information they need from other federal agencies or research organizations?

Answer: For the first part of the question: There is no difference for adopted children? Legally, no. Emotionally, yes.  Perhaps from the adoptive parents' perspective, there is no emotional difference. But for any adoptee who's explored their place in this world emotionally, there IS a difference (sorry to break the news to you). I do recognize that there are adoptees out there who will tell me that they are perfectly happy with their family situation, they have no desire to search for the birth parents and that they are one with their adoptive family. I acknowledge and recognize that side of adoption and make no judgements. However, there are plenty of adult adoptees who view their adoption to be an integral part of their adult identity, no matter how much they are loved by their adoptive family.

For the second part of the question: While I understand the thought of turning to other federal agencies for information about citizenship/immigration through adoption, I have a problem with this. I am a domestically adopted person. If the government got all their facts from another agency, like USCIS, then I would not be counted. Certainly there are other studies conducted by independent reseach organizations like the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute or the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, but they usually have agendas or theories they are trying to prove. I admire their work to promote healthy family formation through research and legislation, but the Census has the power to give the raw data about us...if we participate in it!

My plea to the adoptive parents: Please deny yourself and answer the question honestly! If your adopted child(ren) decide to seek out this side of their identity, they will thank you for your action in the 2010 Census. Really. And, who knows, I'm optimistic that with the correct data on how many lives across the U.S.A. are touched by adoption, perhaps laws can change for the better and more support for our youth can be given.

Readers, would love to hear your thoughts on this. And if there are more articles addressing this issue on the web, please share the link(s) in your comment!
~~~~~
Web Links with Census commentary:
Faith And Illusions
Adoption Talk - which has more links, too.
Love Isn't Enough - March 22 - 25 posts
Washington Post: In multiracial America, the census puts us in a box.

"Mixie" Olympiads!

OK. The Winter Olympics are here. And having experienced the Snowpocalypse on the East Coast, I am actually stuck in the house...I mean, sitting down to watch the events.

Now I know this is NOT about adoption - but I couldn't resist posting about the latest speed skating medalists, Apolo Ohno and J.R. Celski. A little background on these athletes: Apolo Ohno's father is Japanese-born and his mother is American. J.R. Celski's father is of Polish descent and his mother is of Filipino descent. Here's a nice article on Apolo and his supportive dad. And if you missed the edge-of-your-seat Short Track: Men's 1500M race, then you can click here to watch it on NBC.com

I can't help feeling a certain sense of pride when I see these mixed Asians! All of my knowledge about "model minority" stereotypes go right out the window. I mean, who cares that these athletes epitomize the "hard-work ethic" that is often attributed to Asian cultures (and absolutely necessary for anyone aspiring to be an Olympic athlete). I'm just elated to see some athletes that look like me. Or more importantly, athletes that my children can identify with.

As I watch the Olympics with my sons, they cheer for Team USA and Team Japan equally.  They know their roots and connect with both countries on some level. And I'm glad to see that they can find someone who "looks like them" in popular media.

I'd love to hear of more "mixie" Olympiads out there. If you've found them, please share!

Shout out for FUSION!

About two years ago, I attended the White Privilege Conference.  For those who may not follow social justice issues, the title for the conference may seem a bit strange.  But, rest assured, this conference brings in big name speakers and has amazing workshops around all sorts of social justice themes.

It was there I first encountered a group called iPride based out of the San Francisco Bay area. One of their board members was leading the WPC Youth Leadership portion of the conference.

I signed up to receive their e-newsletters, and what should appear in my Inbox this week, but a notice for the FUSION program for Mixed Heritage Youth. I'm so thrilled to see this kind of program in place, "supporting multiracial, multiethnic and/or transracially adopted youth and their families."

MUST give a shout-out to the FUSION program - check it out!

Hooray for John Raible

Recently, I joined a new online social networking group called Adoption Voices. Yes, I know there are SO many social networking sites out there...so, why should I join ANOTHER one?

Luckily, this one has led me to a wonderful blog by John Raible (pictured) and a great article about "Same Story, Different Decade." John shares about his experience hearing a teen transracial adoptee (who happens to be Latino adopted into a White family) and the adoptee's experiences with racism and isolation being the only person of color in their neighborhood, school, etc.

It took me a moment to get into reading this lengthy post, but I'm so glad I did. He and I agree with a simple point in this day and age: adoptive parents need to be well-informed about transracial adoption.

"...We cannot afford to let white parents go on thinking naively that love is enough, or that it is color-blind, while the rest of society continues to react to our children of color as inferior deviants and as potentially threatening competitors in the high-stakes game of life. It’s not about providing loving, color-blind homes, it’s about facing racism squarely, and preparing children to function—and thrive—in hostile environments.

For parents who are still in denial about racism in 2009, and who think that just because a President Obama occupies the White House that our society has somehow transcended race and racism, the remarks of this recent teen panelist come as a stark reminder of how far we have yet to go. It does not matter what decade adopted children go through adolescence. It does not matter what country they were adopted from. What matters is the social context. If transracial adoptees experience adolescence as the lonely kid of color in oppressive, overwhelmingly white environments, then they are having the same experience as children adopted in the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s.

The point is, WE KNOW BETTER. And knowing better, we have an obligation to do better. Adopted children of color deserve no less."

My thoughts exactly.

I am pro-adoption, but I am also pro-education. It hurts adoptees (and our society-at-large) if adoptive families go into a transracial adoption with "color-blind blinders" on. Or with their overwhelmingly strong desire for their "own child" clouding their idea of the big picture.

Whether your child is born biologically or you are adopting, all responsible parents should think about the big-picture, 18-year plan (however long the child will be with you until they are an adult). Responsible parents must consider how to provide for their child physically, mentally and emotionally...as a parent, I think about such things. In light of these parental concerns, the adoptive family of a transracial adoption must also consider "What racial environment am I providing for my child?" Even if your adopted child NEVER talks about race, believe me, it IS the elephant in the room.

I applaud my parents for raising me in a racially diverse neighborhood and sending me to a Quaker school. I also lift up my friends: the adoptive parents of transracial/transnational children who are constantly taking the initiative to learn more about how to support their child in this race-conscious America we live in. They give me hope for the future of adoptive families everywhere.

I am confident that this is the beginning of change.

Passing and people like me

My friend at the Meltingpot blog spoke recently about "passing" - when someone sheds their own racial heritage for another...and gets away with it.  This phenomenon in America usually refers to a light-skinned Black person passing for White. However, it is not limited to this (see the blog link for more explanation). I am new to this terminology, but not to this concept. 

What I mean is this: Even though Japan is part of my heritage (albeit by genetics and not upbringing) and is a key part of my identity now, I have been "passing" as White for most of my life, thus sparing me from most of the racial hatred that exists in this country. One key difference is that I did not choose to shed my racial heritage. Most people just don't see me as a multiracial person, especially the Asian side.  I assimilate quite nicely into a "white box" and I receive all the privileges that come with this. And, truth be told, my genes are also Irish and German.

It continues to be an interesting dilemma for me - one that has been brought to my consciousness only since returning to America (after living abroad for many years). I am still learning how to discuss these issues and how I'd like to identify myself to others.

On a related note, here's an interesting article discussing Ginetta Candelario's new book about Dominican racial identity entitled Black Behind The Ears. Her book is in response to her Dominican mother's questions about race in America.  Ginetta is a multiracial woman like myself and had experiences of "passing," even when she didn't choose to do so.